By
LampPost
LAHORE:
It is time for every LampPost in Pakistan to go on Red Alert. The
story going to be told now can evoke an even more cataclysmic response
than the arrest and harassment of cousins of South Asia Tribune’s
Editor. Remember the beating of a senior Islamabad journalist last
year when he was dragged from his car by jackboots and 
turned
into a punching bag, all black and blue. This story refers to the
same jackboots, involved in high games, games which involve millions
of dollars, not some peanuts or pennies.
In
this cultural city, the capital of fun and frolics, the Basant Town,
people were whispering at a grand wedding ceremony in this jackboot’s
family. The whispers were being heard loudly by many LampPosts.
There was mention of some $250 million received by a sports body
from an enemy country a couple of years back and that money did
not appear to be accounted for any where. It was not “war
loot” just because it came from the enemy, it was our share
of hosting a world event during the days when jackboots were still
in the barracks.
In
that grand wedding, guests, named in the Who’s Who of the
country, were wondering why the country’s Ball and Bat people
were cribbing about shortage of funds. The wedding itself showed
no sign of any shortage though. Grandeur was evident on the surface
and beyond. Jackboots were in great abundance and every one was
wondering who the lucky bridegroom was, who would take home the
daughter of such a rich member of the junta. It turned out the lucky
guy was son of a Lahore Gymkhana gambler, famous for winning in
“Kantoori” a card game the big guys love to play. The
son turned out to be even one step ahead of his card-loving father.
LampPost
was thinking about the timing of the sudden removal of the Cricket
Board's just-inducted chief by a jackboot in 2000. The answer came
from one guy who said: “As soon as it was known that the enemy
was about to release $250 million of our share of the big 1997 ball
and bat game, the then head of the sporting body who had not even
completed three weeks in his position, was booted out.” Of
course no civilian could be trusted with such a heavy national security
task of “How to spend $250 million, without accounting for
it.”
While
the latest wedding took place in Lahore, recently in Islamabad the
most talked about wedding was hosted by an Info Monastry top gun
at a new plush 5-star hotel. LampPost had reported that 50 per cent
of that wedding bill was picked up by the Discount Service of that
hotel. Sadly that information was not correct as now it is clear
that it was not half but the entire bill which had been allowed
as a discount, because the country’s ruling junta was the
guest.
On
the question of bills, many in Islamabad are wondering whopicked
up the nearly Rs 30 million tab on the renovation and upgradation
of a top General's House in Rawalpindi. Some say the Army did it
to appease this General, one of the key players of the October 1999
drama.
Hotels
paying wedding bills of top officials? Private residences renovated
at State expense? Isn’t this something called “corruption”.
No, not in an officially clean regime as the “C” word
is reserved only for politicians. An interesting side note to this
story is that the hotel management conducted a police station style
“parade” of all employees to find out who leaked the
discount story. Is the management really dumb? Could they not guess
that they had hosted an “Information” guy’s daughter’s
wedding, and it is part of their job to provide information, or
disinformation. The parade thus turned out to be an utter waste
of time. LampPost learnt the hotel was treating all the expense
as “zakat”.
In
yet another jackboots wedding in Islamabad, the country's chief
was invited for the traditional "Mehndi" which, nowadays
is the real fun and play time. The Chief went there and got hooked,
dancing his heart out for four hours, first with kids and then with
bigger kids and then with yet bigger kids. A Turkish Diplomat was
also present in the otherwise strictly private party. He reported
to LampPost the Chief danced to Turkish tunes as well. Who said
our rulers only dance to the Yankee bands. These are different times
when the rulers can find time to dance and also think about the
strategies to make others dance to their tune.
Time
is not being wasted otherwise in the country. It is also election
time. The election officer handling the nomination papers of PeePees
exiled leader BeeBee did not waste time rejecting her papers. But
LampPost heard some conversation going on inside the Election Officer’s
room and was convinced that the elections are being managed through
long-distance calls from some headquarter in Islamabad. The EO had
dictated an order to his steno, “provisionally accepting”
BeeBee’s papers until the superior courts decided the legal
issue, when his phone started ringing. The steno was told to re-type
the order and the papers were rejected out rightly. It is a “Transparent
Election” LampPost was told and even the rigging is transparent.
Nothing is hidden. No wonder experts in rigging like General Rafaqat,
Ijlal Zaidi and Roedad Khan and Choudhry Shaukat are meeting the
Chief of Jackboots these days.
One
pain in every neck is the condition which the top boss has imposed
on educational qualification of candidates. He wants all to be graduates,
with university degrees. Many politicians, even those who have been
winners in the past, have never seen a university signboard from
a highway. So they all stand disqualified. But LampPost learnt in
the Sindh province the top gun, one Sayeen Suo Moro, was given a
tough time by one of his non-graduate cabinet colleagues. This sharp
cookie, while in a cabinet meeting, picked up his cell phone, dialed
a University Vice Chancellor, and asked Suo Moro to order the VC
to issue a Bachelor’s degree in his name so that he could
contest the polls. How could such an idiot be declared a graduate.
Naturally it was not done.
But
one determined politician of the largest province, an ex ambassador
to Yankeeland, did get her degree after passing her exam which she
could not pass in her teen years. LampPost heard an interesting
story why she did not get her degree from a Pakistani University
in the first place. Back then another military jackboot, the biggest
of them all, who later turned into a Field Marshal ruled the land.
He sent his son's marriage proposal to this young lady’s father,
a well rewarded Colonel, owning huge state lands. The proposal was
turned down by the proud Colonel. The Marshal and his goons threatened
him, but before any harm could be done, the young lady was sent
abroad for studies. Thus a great political marriage was avoided
but the lady had to appear in a written test to get her degree decades
later.
Talking
of lady politicians, a cabinet member of the present lot, faced
embarrassment when her hand written love notes to an army officer
cum pilot, who later became General Chastity in the 80s, were discovered
recently. This Dr minister had written to the army commando: “You
are a pilot and I am your co-pilot and together we will conquer
the world.” What sweet dreams she had. Recently she resigned
from the cabinet, still in pursuit of conquering the world, but
with the support of another army commando, now heading Jackboots
& Associates Inc., running the country. One unbelievable story
about this Dr minister quotes a five-star Islamabad hotel employees
saying there was a huge "hair pulling" fight between the
minister and the fust wife some time back. The complaint of the
wife was that the minister was "introducing" new "friends"
to her husband, friends she did not like. But he did.
Another
former lady minister, Zeejay, is in a fix now a days. She had resigned
to contest the election from the most backward province but due
to bad timing she is again expecting a baby and has failed to kick
off her election campaign. Her in-laws insist they would not let
her go for an abortion. Poor ex-minister and some stubborn in-laws!
While
Zeejay is educating herself in diaper control techniques, an outspoken
minister, known for giving young girls the titles of Monalisa, was
invited by a Lahore school for some awards distribution ceremony.
All the guests and children were hoping to listen something about
what the government may do about education but the minister spoke
for two hours about the ' benefits' of having Jackboots as rulers,
specially the head honcho. The poor children and their teachers
were confused. They are unlikely to invite any minister again as
chief guest for a long time.
Speaking
of Chief Guests, many cabinet rankers are these days launching books
by young ladies and someone in the Info Monastry is pushing newspapers
to publish big pictures of these new writers with the ministers.
Don’t look for any negatives here.
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